April 5th – Cochin with Tweedledum and Tweedledummer

Today we'd booked an Indian cookery course for the evening, and the agency that we'd booked it through had offered to get us a guide and driver for the day – the price was so cheap that we thought, why not?

I guess you get what you pay for, because these guys were useless – they literally didn't know where they were going, so we constantly had to stop to ask for directions. To be fair to them, they were both nice guys, but I think that Tracy and I both knew Cochin better than our "local" experts. The driver actually spoke the better English and had more information than the "guide", who was pointless and unintelligible – we came to the theory that he may have had suffered some severe head trauma at some stage of his life.

Our programme was that they would first take us to the local market, so we could get an idea of the ingredients used in the local cuisine. We were fairly certain that there wasn't a market in Fort Cochin itself (the historic area), so we were surprised that this was where we were heading from the port. It then turned out that they were taking us to a clothes store – not the place you'd expect to see much fruit and veg.

Tracy displayed her usual patience and went mad at them, and insisted that they take us to the market – they took us to a lone fruit shop which they drove past quickly and pointed at and said "market?" hopefully. They then insisted on taking us to the Chinese Fishing Nets, where we helped to haul up the rocks and counter-weights that make up this ancient, but hugely inefficient fish-catching contraption. Apparently it wasn't the right season to catch much, but our haul of 5 tiny fish, a plastic bag and a coke can didn't seem a decent return on the labour of 6 men.

After wandering around Fort Cochin for a while, they'd managed to find out that the main market was on Ernakulam on the mainland (as we'd told them it would be), so finally we headed over there. On the way, we stopped for lunch at a fairly unprepossessing place – but, it was reassuringly busy with locals and the Tweedledums were willing to eat there, so we gave it a go. For $1 each, we had a lovely thali and set of chapattis – we will see tomorrow if this bargain was a good idea or not.

After lunch, as we walked to the market, they took us to a spice shop where we bought a few spices that would ensure our curry making back home will be delicious, and finally (after again having to ask for directions a couple more times), we made it to the market. It was pretty big and its narrow little lanes were full of exotic produce, much of which we (and our ever knowledgeable guides) didn't recognise, but unfortunately, by now we only had 5 minutes to explore.

Our next appointment was to take a boat trip on a Tourist Board operated boat, which went from Ernakulam back to exactly where we had just come from – Fort Cochin. This time we had a guide who actually knew what he was talking about, and inspite of having a tour party numbering around 60 people, he was unusually attentive to us (as the only non-Indians on board, he obviously saw us as a big tip in the making).

So, again we went to the fishing nets and did a bit more exploring of Fort Cochin, before we got on the boat again and headed to Matancherry where we explored Jew Town and visited the 17th century synagogue. By this time, the heat was wearing us down, so it was time for a much-needed cold beer before the cooking course.

The cooking course was decidedly low-tech when compared to what we'd done in Vietnam and Bangkok – it was in the small kitchen of local guest house, so the lady did the chopping and cooking while we watched, and we had to write down our notes rather than being given handouts. However, the food was just as delicious, as we were shown how to make our own curry pastes and taken through various mouth-watering recipes. Of course, the best bit was getting a chance to eat what had been prepared – lovely.

So, it was time to get back to the ship, which meant that there was just enough time for the Tweedledums to get lost again on the way back to the port – by now, this was totally expected and gave us a few laughs on the way.

Not the day we expected, but fun nonetheless.

April 1st – Steamy Penang

On a phenomenally hot day, I did a tour in the morning to explore the interior of the Malaysian island of Penang; and then, in the afternoon, we explored the fascinating streets of its historic capital Georgetown.

Penang was the first place of British settlement on the Malaysian peninsula, and its capital Georgetown quickly became a colonial boom town in the late 18th and early 19th century. That was before the phenomenal rise of Singapore to the South gradually eclipsed it. The upside of Penang's decline is that much of its splendid historical architecture was preserved rather than built over (as happened in Singapore); so that even today, as the city's now booming again, this place has a really historical feel to it.

We started by driving along the northern coast away from Georgetown, passing by all the modern tourist resorts that have turned the island into a beach resort these days. Our first stop was at a batik factory, where we were shown the painstaking manual processes involved in producing these colourful designs. To be honest, as a boring dresser in dull blues and blacks, I'm not really into the bright colours and florid designs of batik, but you couldn't help but be impressed by the skill of the workers and imagination of the designers.

Then we headed up the winding roads into the mountainous interior of the islands, passing by lush forests of exotic fruit trees. We stopped off at a fruit stand, where the owner talked us through the various spices and tropical fruits grown on this fertile island, before coming back down to the coast again.

As we approached Georgetown, we passed by huge industrial parks where we saw plenty of microprocessor factories and hi-tec manufacturing plants, that testify to Penang's latest boom time. But, as a contrast to this, right next to the industrial area, we stopped off at an old Chinese temple which (through some mystical force) was famous for attracting venomous snakes to hang around in its trees.

Some of the snakes had been de-venomed for stupid tourists like me to have them draped around our necks and hung over our heads. At one point, with two pythons around my neck, I could feel one of them begin to tighten his coil ominously around my neck, while the smaller one began to poke his tail into my eyeball – fortunately, the photo opportunity was a bit of a production line, so before you could say "strangled tourist", the slithering serpents were whipped off my neck to be hung around their next victim.

After this, we headed back to the ship where it was a quick turnaround before Tracy, David (the guest chef) and I headed into the baking streets of Georgetown to find some good food. We passed the old British fortress, Fort Cornwallis, and headed to the Padang, the centrepiece of British rule, surrounded by impressive British buildings on 3 sides, and the sea on the other.

Then, we headed in amongst the rows of old Chinese shophouses that still form Georgetown's evocative historic centre, as we passed plenty of Chinese temples and clan houses. We were heading for a down and dirty restaurant called Khing Pin that we'd seen recommended in the guide books – it certainly delivered. The lady serving us was lovely and had limitless patience for our stupid questions and served up some delicious noodle dishes washed down by some cold Tiger beers.

After this, we wandered to Little India in search of its spice shops for David's upcoming food demonstration. The streets were full of people, and the "Little India" tag was certainly lived up to, with the noise of Indian music blaring out of tinny speakers and the smells of curries wafting towards us. Unfortunately, no-one here had heard of the Indian ingredients that David was asking for – this Indian community was founded here over 200 years ago, so maybe a little bit of India has been lost in Little India.

As we slowly melted in the heat, we headed back to the ship for some re-hydration.

A very enjoyable day - for a place that can simultaneously be a beach resort, an industrial centre (with lots of unspoilt lush countryside behind it), a culinary mecca, and a repository of historic architecture all at once, Penang has a lot going for it.

March 31st – Kuala Lumpur

As we got off the ship in the pouring rain at the less-than-attractive Port Klang, it was hardly the best introduction to Malaysia; but the one hour trip down the motorway to KL took us to a modern, cosmopolitan and well organised capital city.

We started off at the colonial set piece of the city, Merdeka Square, where the old cricket pitch on the Padang was now given over to energetic 5-a-side football and netball games, and the exotic neo-moorish colonial architecture of its old buildings was fronted by a huge car rally. It was an immediate sign of how this city has really moved on from colonial times, and how the culture of today is taking over from the old traditions.

However, whilst KL has modernised frantically in the past few decades, there are still lots of places where you can get to experience the distinctive Malay culture and traditional ways of life. In a city where gleaming shopping malls are beginning to take over (à la Singapore), it was nice to see that traditional street markets and interesting craft markets can still be found. So, we had some time in the art deco Central Market which was full of original arts and crafts, while we also experienced the raucous atmosphere of Jalan Petaling – Chinatown's main street market.

One of KL's main attractions is its vibrant mix of cultures and races, so, aside from the mosques of the Malay people, we also visited incense-filled Chinese temples, and sampled the frenetic atmosphere of the Sri Mariamamm Hindu temple, alive with drums banging, bells clanging and pipes wailing furiously.

From this sensory overload, it was nice to have some respite for lunch, where we went to a room with a view at the KL Tower – at the revolving restaurant 250 metres up. And, now that the rain clouds had lifted, what a view it was. It's amazing to think that 30 years ago, there was scarcely a tower block in sight – these days the skyline is a forest of ultra-modern skyscrapers overlooking the odd low-rise neighbourhood or colonial set piece. The other thing you noticed from this vantage point, was just how much greenery there was in and around the city; it didn't have the same claustrophobic feel of the other South East Asian cities that we've been visiting.

Of course, at the centre of all that modern development were the gleaming twin towers of the huge Petronas Towers. These 88-storey towers were the tallest buildings in the world when they were built in the 1990s, but they've now been reduced to 6 on the world rankings.

After lunch, it was time to have a closer look at the towers, so we drove over to the foot of the towers for a few photos and to spend some time in the huge mall at the bottom of them. From a distance or close up, they're an incredibly impressive construction, looking like a pair of super-size hypodermic needles connected by a precarious-looking Skybridge 200 metres up.

And, what was below them was pretty impressive too – an enormous 6-storey mall packed with luxury brands and enormous department stores. When you think that this country was stuck in the Third World a few years ago, its transformation has been phenomenal.

In its development, I see Malaysia as sitting somewhere between Thailand and Singapore. It's clearly a country with a plan, so it doesn't suffer from the same kind of chaos or haphazard development that Thailand revels in; but, it's not as regimented as Singapore, so it seems to have more spontaneity and charm than more sterilised Singapore has. Obviously, Singapore is far richer, so Malaysia has some work to do to catch up with its little cousin to the south. But, given the great strides that the country is making, plus its advantages in having plenty of natural resources too, you wouldn't bet against it achieving its goal of being a First World Country by 2030.

March 28th – Exploring Ko Samui

35 years ago, the Thai island of Ko Samui was undiscovered, undeveloped and untouched – in fact, there wasn't a single paved road on the island till the mid-1970s. These days, that's all changed, as this has become the second most popular Thai island destination; and the international airport that was built in the late 1980s now brings large numbers of sun-starved westerners over here every year.

So, beyond the beach resorts that have sprung up along the coast in the last couple of decades, there's not a huge amount of history or culture to discover here. But, in an attempt to find as much culture as was possible, I did the "Ko Samui Highlights" tour.

We first went to see the Big Buddha Statue – a sight that delivered what it promised - an enormously big golden statue of a seated Buddha at the top of 72 steep steps. It was a picturesque spot, and interesting to see that many of the souvenir stalls had signs in Russian – Samui is clearly becoming a popular Russian destination these days.

Next, we went to a gleaming modern temple complex – the colourful Lai Leam Temple – which was built in 2004, which at least shows that the tourist trade has brought in enough wealth for the locals to add to their religious infrastructure (not that we saw a local there apart from a couple of dogs). Maybe it was too hot at midday – mad dogs and Englishmen etc etc.

By now, it was time for lunch, so we went to a really gorgeous resort, where we had a delicious Thai lunch by the sea. The place was so relaxing, it was so hot, and the sea breezes so cooling that we could have stayed there for days.

But, it was time to get on the road again, so we headed off to an elephant show, where I was "volunteered" to be a subject (victim more like) of an "elephant massage". Basically, I had to lie face down on the floor while a two-ton elephant lifted an enormous foot and patted me on the backside and blew its nose on my head – the things you have to do as a Destination Lecturer!

Our final stop was to a coconut plantation where they showed us how monkeys were trained to shin up a tall coconut tree, select a ripe coconut and then twist it until it fell to the ground. Seeing a monkey being put to work like this with a chain around his neck made me feel a little uneasy, although we were told that the monkeys live with their trainers as part of the family and are willing workers – do we feel that it's similarly unfair to use sheepdogs?

On a blisteringly hot day, we were all glad to get back to the ship for some A/C and to put our feet up.

March 27th – Bangkok Birthday Cooking Class

As Tracy is 21 again today (or at least a multiple of that), we have splashed out and are doing a posh cookery course at the famous Blue Elephant restaurant. Unfortunately the birthday girl didn't get a lie-in, because we had to be there quite early, so again we had the "how do we get out of the port without getting ripped off?" conundrum.

This time we successfully flagged down a passing car who very kindly gave us a lift to the port gates and we caught a metered cab to the restaurant (housed in a beautiful old wooden colonial-style building) – so much easier than yesterday!

The class started with a market visit, so we were given an explanation of the various exotic vegetables we were going to be cooking with later on. Then we were given a demonstration of each of the dishes in turn, before we went to the kitchen to cook each one of them. We made a succession of absolutely delicious dishes - thai fish cakes (my second favourite), spicy aubergine salad, red chicken (or tofu) curry, and pad thai (my favourite).

The explanations were really clear and informative, and I must say that the pad thai that I cooked was probably the most delicious thing that I've ever cooked. Whether the dishes will be as good as that when we cook them back home (or in the campervan) will remain to be seen – certainly, it will be difficult to get hold of some of the more exotic ingredients, like tamarind sauce, palm sugar, gallangal, dried shrimp powder etc.

The more we cooked, the hungrier we felt, so we couldn't wait for the best bit of the lot, the tasting at the end. It was a mountain of food, yet somehow we greedily managed to eat virtually every single tasty morsel.

Back on board, we were having a birthday meal in the evening with some new friends, so it was yet more food to struggle down. Of course, we managed it, and the birthday girl enjoyed herself and declared herself satisfied.

March 26th – Bikes, Trains and Automobiles to Ayutthaya

Our mission today was to find our way to the former royal capital of Ayutthaya, about 70 miles north of Bangkok. On paper, this sounded like a relatively straightforward thing to do – in practice, this was to be a very complicated task.

We wanted to get the 8.30am train (the one after was at 10.30) to Ayutthaya from Hualamphong Station, which involved us getting out of the port before the shuttle bus had started – we decided on the train option to avoid getting caught in traffic. So, we had to negotiate a price to get us to the station with the taxi sharks who had a monopoly at the port – because of the monopoly, the price was way over the odds. So, we grudgingly got going with the one that offered the least ridiculous price, and off we headed.

Unfortunately, as the clock ticked down towards our 8.30 deadline, Bangkok's awful traffic seized up into its usual gridlock, so as we ground to a halt, we bailed out and headed by foot to the nearest metro station. Eventually, as the mercury rose and the clock counted down, we found it and hopped on it to the train station.

This was one of those journeys where every time we'd given up all hope of getting there on time, suddenly it looked like we just might make it. So, we got in at 8.20, and ran to the ticket counter to buy a ticket – there was a queue. With 2 minutes remaining I got to the front and he refused to sell me the cheapest ticket, so we had to pay for the "luxury" of 2nd class. Finally, we run to the platform with 30 seconds remaining, literally dripping with sweat.

Inevitably, as we sat panting on the train, it didn't leave for a further 15 minutes! And then it proceeded at funereal pace through Bangkok – it would have been quicker to walk. Then, somehow, given the slow speed we were travelling at, we had a collision with a motorbike (only in Bangkok do motorbikes drive into trains) – a further delay of 20 minutes.

At last we got going again, and we almost went at a decent pace, until the train then stopped again – apparently the non-existent "air-conditioning" had broken down, and there would be another delay of indeterminate length.

We were beginning to wonder if we'd ever get there, so we bailed out again, and tried to get a cab to Ayutthaya – again having to shout down some ridiculous quotes, before finally getting a guy to put it on the meter. Somehow, miraculously, his car didn't break down, the traffic didn't seize up, and we got there – although it then turned out that he'd never been there before and had no idea where to drop us off.

So, at the first sign of a ruined temple, we got him to stop and we tried to get our bearings. We went into a guest house where a lovely tiny little lady with three teeth dotted around her gummy mouth gave us a map and showed us where the hell we were. While we were there, we spied some very old bikes – we thought we might as well use our fifth form of transport to complete this epic journey.

So, it was a bit of a trial to get here, but was it worth the effort? Yes, yes and yes. Suddenly a frustrating day turned into a fantastic day, as we cycled along the wide roads and on pathways through grassy parks on our cronky old bikes (it didn't matter that the brakes hardly worked), and we came across magnificent old ruined temples sitting next to picturesque lakes.

Ayutthaya had been Thailand's (or Siam as it was then) capital from the 13th to the 18th centuries, and in its heyday it was one of the most magnificent cities in the world – with a population of over one million people, it was the largest city in the world too. Unfortunately, it all came crashing down when the city was destroyed by the Burmese in the 1760s, and so Ayutthaya was abandoned while Bangkok was founded further up river.

So, what's been left is only a tiny fraction of this former splendour, but even in the remaining tumbled-down brick temples and towers, you get a strong hint of what a magnificent place this once must have been. The temples are like a smaller version of Angkor Wat, and they're a wonderfully evocative set of ruins to explore – wonky prangs just about still standing, decapitated buddhas, and roofless reception halls made out of crumbling red brick.

We had a great time exploring and cycling around, in a relaxed atmosphere that seemed a world away from chaotic and claustrophobic Bangkok. However, we were very aware that our journey to get here had been such a mission, so we wanted to leave plenty of time for our return trip. Thankfully, this proved to be way, way simpler and much quicker than the trip out – and one tenth of the price too. We went to the bus station and just caught the bus back – very simple and very cheap. Why didn't we do that on the way out?

At the end of a fabulous day, our next plan was to go out for another meal, but the journey and the heat had absolutely drained us, so we decided to have a night in, to save some energy for Tracy's big birthday the next day.